And I hate myself.
No one seems to realize that when a fat person loses weight, it’s not for the same reason a thin person tries not to gain it. When a fat person begins to lose weight, it’s because that fat person hates their body so much, they’ll commit to making it go away. It’s because at some point, yes, fat people “get tired” of “being like that”. Fat people get tired of shopping in the fat stores, if not fitting in small seats, of the back fat and double chins and the looks they get when they wear sweats.
When a thin person tries to avoid gaining weight, or tries to lose those ten or twenty pounds from the holidays, it’s because they hate fat people. They’ve been conditioned to dislike fat, to dislike larger clothes and the squishy comfort of hugging a person whose whole body is welcoming and warm. They dislike the joy fat people take in food, they deny fat people the clothing variety thin people take for granted, they mock fat people for being fat or for being at the gym or for running.
Is it any wonder we hate ourselves? I need to wear a belt now, I’ve lost so much weight that my smaller shorts, which used to stay up alone, now slide right off my butt. I can see that I’ve lost weight in the mirror, even as my breasts refuse to shrink, and I hate myself for how good it feels. I hate how triumphant I am imagining the way my body will be- never thin, but lacking more fat. I hate how repulsed I’ve been with my body, for years I’ve been so repulsed with myself.
But what I hate most is that no one cares that fat people hate being fat. No one cares that we skip the skimpy dresses, the shirts that get tucked in, the bikinis and mini shorts. No one mourns our loss of self-esteem. No one offers us cake, and everyone is watching when we go to the salad bar, or fill up with diet drink. No one cares if we skip lunch. If a fat person eats, everyone else, even the fat people, judge them for not controlling themselves.
My heart goes out to my fat friends who have eating disorders that get brushed aside, the fat people whose parents put them in weight loss therapy and diet clinics, the ones who never wanted to join Weight Watchers.
Our health isn’t your concern. We deserve to be happy, in our bodies, in our lives. Stop making fat people hate ourselves. I’m so tired of hating myself.
My weight loss isn’t a victory. It’s self-destruction.