Pronouns. Depending who I come out to, after the whole “so you’re gender fluid-” “no” bit, one of the first questions I get is “what pronouns do you use?” And for a very long time- almost five years since I started thinking seriously about gender, in fact- I’ve asked people to just call me “she” until I tell them otherwise.
Now, as with coming to terms with my asexuality, I’ve come to terms with terms. I get mistaken for a guy more often than, say, my mother does, even when I’m not binding. When I introduce myself on the Internet, I tend to just not mention gender unless someone specifically asks, so they can pick their own terms for me. I plan to keep doing this.
However, I also really like “he” pronouns. I like the way I feel when people call me sir. I like when people don’t realize their “mistake” and don’t apologize. So while I will accept most pronouns, including “she” and “they,” I prefer “he” pronouns.
And then there’s names. I’ve been signing my posts Terrance for over a year, even while telling myself that I can’t name myself that, that I need a better name. I’m still not sure about it. But I know that I like Terrance, the way it tastes, the colors of it, the shape of it. For now, it fits.
If I’m called Terrance, I can also be called both Teri and Terry. Masculine and feminine. Plausible deniability for my parents, for my mother’s family. I can, maybe, keep my family, if I don’t do hormones, if I stay in the closet and don’t get surgery. I can have this.
I’m scared of losing my family. Of my mother dismissing me, of my dad being confused and uncomfortable. And I don’t want to hear about how other people’s comfort doesn’t matter in the face of mine- that’s not who I am. I care about other people’s conort around me. I want them to be comfortable.
Only time will tell, I suppose. But for now I remain,
Very truly yours,