I hate being trans

I hate being trans. I hate feeling like I don’t fit, I hate how my gender confusion twists in with my bodily dysphoria till I can’t tell one from another. I hate living with cis girls who think of me completely as a girl, I hate being afraid to come out, I hate it. 

And I can’t come out. I’m going to school, I don’t trust anyone enough to keep my secret and talk about it in real life, I’m far from the people who would listen or care. I’m sick of only being around cis people, because talking about how my body feels only makes them uncomfortable and I spend too much time trying to make people comfortable around me. 

I can’t even say whether coming out would help. I know I want top surgery, but I don’t want the conversations, the explaining, the saving and waiting. I don’t want to have to deal with this, with having a body and a gender and a presentation and I want to be a doctor I can’t transition when I have my MD but I won’t be able to afford it before them. 

And oh, I want to be a doctor. That’s the only thing I’ve never doubted, though I tried so hard to convince myself I didn’t want it. It’s going to be hard, so hard, to go to science classe, to learn chemistry and biology and then go to medical school. But it would be even harder to do all of that and be called “Dr.” and then be called by a woman’s name, be called a woman. 

I can’t be a woman. I’m not. I’ve known about trans people since I was very young, but I’ve no idea how I’m going to address this and keep my family. I can drop my friends, the irl ones who make fun of me for every piece of myself I give them, who tease me about how one day I’ll have a crush, how I’m a nerd. 

I’m so sick of being stuck here. I want to leave this school and take science classes till I can’t see straight and try to forget how wrong my body feels. I don’t even wish I’d been born male- I just wish I didn’t have a perceived gender to deal with. 

I’m procrastinating writing a paper right now, I should get back to that. 

Yours as always,

Terrance

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4 thoughts on “I hate being trans

  1. I’m sorry you hurt right now sunshine. I am a trans woman 7 years into my transition. I wish you the best of luck. My ears are generally around for those needing help. I hope you have a beautiful day sunshine. You are worth taking care of yourself. You are worth more than being a doormat for those around you, even if you do care about them. Transitioning will make some people uncomfortable, yes, and it’s a really crappy reality, but really, there are more people out there. Honestly, I lost most of my friends when I transitioned, and did it hurt, but it wasn’t eternal. I have some truly amazing friends now where I can be me, regardless of going stealth, being out, anything. They are there for everything and even if some of them don’t understand why I transitioned, they try to, and they defend me, and know who I am.
    I truly hope you have a beautiful day Terrance

  2. Telling your friends and family may not be a total loss. They may surprise you. I thought, and still think to an extent, like you and have gotten almost unanimous support from friends and family, so it is possible. Especially if they see how much it is hurting you.

    You sound young, if you can hold out until you’re 18 or older than you can make your decisions regardless of those around you. You know what’s best for you.

    • I’m 19, actually. Part of my reluctance to come out is that while I’d prefer to be seen as masculine/a man, I know for a fact that several people who I value deeply would not be allowed to talk to me if I came out and started to transition. I also know for a fact that my mother would not support me, as I’ve been presenting as masculine for several years- every time I get a haircut, even, I get several biting comments and backhanded insults.

      My main issue, though, is that my gender is a very personal thing to me and I don’t want to talk to multiple doctors and a therapist or two about how I want to change my body. Maybe one day I’ll be ready to come out, but my current issues won’t be solved by coming out.
      Thanks for commenting, and for your support. It means a lot to me, and it’s good to know that coming out isn’t entirely possible.

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