Who will I become?

Due to personal reasons, I’ve not been posting these on this blog over the past several months. That time has passed, and now I’m transferring these from my tumblr to my blog. This post originally dated 1-6-15.

.

I threw a napkin ring

and it bounced off my sister’s teeth
I suspect it didn’t hurt
but she played it up
ran away crying
and I spent eight hours trying to forget,
trying to grapple my self-loathing into self
forgiveness
staying in my shower till it ran cold
trying to wash away
the hatred
if only because suicide is messy
.
You growled at my brother
(as you growled at me
when I was young)
last night
for the first time
and from the other room
I am terrified you will beat him with a belt
like you did
when as a three year old I could not
sit still
for four hours
at a swearing into office
for your friend
.
and I come to the door of my room
(I am bigger, taller,
broader
you will not hit me now)
and ask, hands on hips
if it scares you when you yell like that
.
you do not answer
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