Okay I have trust issues. I can’t trust people. There are plenty of people in my life who would probably be willing to listen to my issues, but I always downplay things. I don’t know how to be emotionally vulnerable, and I deny my issues with my family unless they’re happening right that minute.
I don’t know how to tell people that I’m having trouble or that I need help with my self image or anything at all. I push myself to be self-sufficient, to not need help or accomodation. I deny that I don’t have the speed someone my age should because of my weight, when my ankle is hurt (which is often) I refuse to slow down for myself because I can’t handle people constantly asking if I’m okay. I stopped using crutches only days after the original injury because my mom kept insisting that I was fine and refusing to wait for me to hobble after her. And then I walked five miles across a hilly city bc my mom refused to help me get from place to place in leiu of walking for thirty minutes on a tissue damaged ankle, because “she can do it herself”
I need to lose weight, because it’s not healthy with my family’s medical history of blood clots and heart issues and diabetes for me to be almost three times the weight I should be. I can’t though, because if I overeat my mom makes comments about “that’s not how you lose weight,” and if I don’t eat? “that’s not how you lose weight” and if I eat healthily apparently that’s still not how you lose weight. I can’t do something that would make my quality of life wayyy higher (I could do sports! endorphins!) because even if I got to a healthy weight it would be two years of losing 2lb a week and during that time my mom would make comments like she always does, because it’s not going to be immediately apparant that I’ve lost any weight at all.
And I underestimate how much she has overall affected my mental health because I don’t know how to interact like a rational human being, because I don’t have boundaries that I will never cross that suit actual human interaction- never use physical force unless your actual life is being threatened, never dredge up the past to fling in someone’s face, calling the police is a suitable response to someone verbally standing up to you and not letting you hurt other people-and the way my mom abuses my dad verbally and emotionally means that I will never be able to be in any kind of emotional intimate relationship because I will either hurt my partner the way my mom hurts me and my sister, or I’ll hurt them the way my mom hurts my father. I’m literally terrified to ever be close to another person because I’ve a genetic and in my case cultural pre-disposition to outwardly abusive mental health issues.
I don’t even know how to think about myself in a healthy way, because everything I know and everything I am and experience is in the context of her and what she’s taught me about life and prayer and living. I am a devout Catholic and I really do believe the faith and teachings (which occasionally makes it really hard to be queer and go to mass) but for example, earlier this morning when I was trying to talk her down, she started shouting the rosary**. She’s done that before, and it means that when I want to pray a rosary for my own intentions, or at school (because I do attend a Catholic one) all I can think about is how hateful she is and how she uses it as a weapon against me and my family. I practically panic when people say we’re going to learn about the rosary in theology, or pray one, or even a decade. I have similar issues with participating in sacraments like Reconciliation- confessing one’s sins to a priest for forgiveness and absolution- because she often shouts at me that I should go to confession for whatever thing she’s angry about.
I just literally don’t know how to heal from her, because it’s probably going to be several more years before I’m able to cut her out of my life- I want to go to uni/college and she’s been developing a college fund for that for years which I need in order to be able to pay for it. I can’t move out until I’ve more money and a job and a place to go, and I can’t even legally move out at all until the end of September. I’m so frustrated and upset and hurting and I just don’t know what I’m going to do.
**for non-Catholics, the rosary is a series of fifty Hail Mary’s- a prayer for Mary’s intercession on behalf of the people praying- interspersed with prayers for God’s guidance and ability to forgive and just a lot of things. Altogether the 60 or so prayers take about 15 minutes, and I think it’s a beautiful form of prayer. It’s also prayed often using a closed string of beads with a cross on one end, in order to count prayers, like this one.